I Love My Baby… But I Need a Break.

There’s a very strange thing about motherhood that I don’t think anyone really warned me about.

Sometimes, I desperately want a little time away from my baby.

And then, when I actually get that time…

I miss her.

Like, really miss her.

It makes absolutely no sense.

I’m at the point where I’m getting ready to go back to work, and my little girl is going to nursery.

And I have to admit, I have very mixed feelings about it.

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A part of me is looking forward to it

I’m looking forward to having a routine again.

Getting ready in the morning without wondering how long I have before the next nap.

Having a proper conversation with another adult.

Doing something that uses a different part of my brain.

Maybe even drinking a coffee while it’s still hot. That would be a luxury.

For the last few months, so much of my world has revolved around my baby.

And I wouldn’t change that.

I absolutely love being her mum.

But somewhere along the way, I realized that I miss some other parts of myself too.

The woman who had plans.

The woman who worked.

The woman who could leave the house without packing what feels like an entire suitcase for one small person.

And I don’t think admitting that makes me a bad mum.

I think it just makes me… me.

And then comes the other side of it

Because the funny thing is, the moment I imagine actually being away from her, everything changes.

Suddenly I start thinking about her.

Is she happy?

What is she doing?

Has she eaten?

Will she sleep?

Will she need me?

And then I realize I’m going to spend a few hours doing all the things I thought I wanted to do…

while probably thinking about my baby the whole time.

It’s almost like my brain can’t win.

When I’m with her, sometimes I dream about having a little break.

When I’m away from her, I can’t wait to see her again.

Motherhood really said: Here, have two completely opposite emotions and experience both at full volume. 

I don’t think we talk about this enough

There seems to be this idea that if you love being with your baby, you should never want to leave them.

And if you’re excited about going back to work or having time for yourself, maybe you’re not enjoying motherhood enough.

But I don’t think that’s true.

Wanting some space doesn’t mean you want less of your baby.

Wanting to work doesn’t mean you want to be away from your child.

Wanting to meet a friend for coffee doesn’t mean you’d rather be somewhere else.

Sometimes you just need to remember that you existed before you became someone’s mum.

And that person is still there.

She didn’t disappear.

She just gained a very important new role.

Maybe we don’t have to choose.

I can love spending my days with my baby and still be excited about going back to work.

I can miss her while also enjoying having some time to myself.

I can feel sad about nursery and still know that it can be a wonderful experience for her.

I can want a break and then miss her the entire time I’m having it.

None of these feelings cancel each other out.

And maybe that’s one of the most unexpected parts of motherhood.

You become very good at holding completely different emotions at the same time.

You can be incredibly happy and incredibly tired.

Proud and overwhelmed.

Ready for a change and terrified of it.

Grateful for your baby and still desperate for five minutes alone in the bathroom.

Both things can be true.

So, to the mums who are about to go through this…

If you’re getting ready for nursery, going back to work, or simply starting to spend more time apart from your little one, I just want to say:

It’s okay if you’re excited.

It’s okay if you’re sad.

It’s okay if you cry at drop-off.

It’s okay if you walk away and immediately feel relieved.

It’s okay if you spend the next three hours looking at photos of your baby.

And it’s okay if you experience all of those things in the same day.

You haven’t suddenly stopped being a good mum because you enjoyed having some time for yourself.

And you haven’t failed at independence because you missed your baby.

You’re just a mum.

And apparently, being a mum means having approximately 47 different emotions before lunchtime.

So tell me honestly…When you first went back to work or sent your little one to nursery, what was it REALLY like?

I cried at drop-off

I was actually ready for it

I missed my baby immediately

I loved having some time for myself

The guilt was harder than I expected

It was basically all of the above

No judgement. Just real motherhood.

From one mum to another.